Staying Beautiful Can Be Painful

When did this happen? I was putting my makeup on this morning, when I noticed three hairs protruding from my chin. As I looked closer, I realized that there were a few other, finer hairs surrounding the bigger, fatter threesome.

Swell. I'm turning into a nanny goat.

I also noticed my upper lip is getting thinner. My lips would never have been compared to Angelina Jolie, but I don't want them as thin as Calista Flockhart's arms. So imagine how excited I was when a commercial promoted a product that allegedly plumps lips. I grabbed my keys, wallet and glasses and out the door I went.

I drove to the mall, and marched my thin lipped self right up to the makeup/skincare counter. I wanted that product – now.

I know the women who work there have to compliment their customers in some way before pointing out their flaws. More importantly, the flaws that one of their products will most assuredly correct and which idiots like me snatch up like Skittles in a kindergarten class.

Still, when the woman remarked that I have good skin for someone “my age”, I wanted to believe her. Just like I wanted to believe that her lip product was going to turn me into Angelina. I wasn't, however, prepared to tell her that it looked good due to the large amounts of spackle I use. If I smiled, my face would break.

She applied the miracle product to my anorexic lips. And it stung! It felt as though I'd stuck my lips into an angry beehive. As I relayed this information to the saleswoman, she explained that it's a natural reaction but after using the product a few times, I'll hardly notice.

I'd heard that before; that it hurts, but I'll get used to it, all in the name of pursuing beauty. Then I remembered what product made that claim; Epilady.

For those of you who don't remember the Epilady, it was a hair removal system. It consisted of coils that literally grabbed the hairs on your legs, and ripped them out; on purpose.

If there was ever a product that came straight from the bowels of Hell, it was that one.

Out of curiosity, I went online to see if they still sell them. To my surprise, not only do they sell them, they have several styles. One of the features announced “patented ergonomic design that prevents hand cramping”. Are they serious? What I'd need is one that will stay in my hand long enough to stop me from flinging it across the room.

I found it ironic that I was enduring stinging for my disappearing lips, while remembering a product that ripped the hairs clean out from my legs, all on the day that I found hairs on my chin that could use the assistance of the demonic device.

If I kept it in my hand long enough.

I went home empty handed, since I figured if I was going to fork over $100 and have to endure stinging, then I'd better look like ol' Angie.

Besides, I know a bee keeper; he'll let me have at the real thing for free.