Cell Me Something New

When it comes to technology, I’m like pitting Gomer Pyle against Steven Hawking.

My kids keep trying to drag me into this century, but I always manage to find something to hold on to.

However, I have had a cell phone for a few years. But, only as a matter of convenience. You know, the car broke down, I’m at the grocery store, do we need anything?

Having one and knowing what it can do are two very different things.

So, when my husband, Matt, looked at my cell bills and realized that we were paying $60  a month for over 600 minutes, but I only used around 30, he decided it was time for a change.

Of course, I whined like a toddler being weaned from the pacifier. After two years, I pretty much figured out how to use the phone I had. But, logic won. We switched to one of those “pay as you go,” phones. He asked what I wanted in a phone. And here was my simple list:

-- Must be a flip phone. I know this is old school, but I’ve always felt that a phone should be large enough that you actually know that it’s there. I did have one of those small ones for a while, but I always felt like Andre the Giant using a paper cup and string. When people would call, I’d hold it to my ear to hear, then move it to my mouth to speak. Ear, mouth, ear, mouth – honestly, I must have looked like a chipmunk on crack. That phone didn’t last long.

-- Must have a large address book. For years, I lugged around a large organizer notebook, solely to house people’s phone numbers and email addresses. It took a while to understand how handy the “contacts” portion of my cell was. The only problem I have is that I can’t figure out how to put spaces between each word. Fortunately, we homeschool, so I can decipher pretty much anything.

-- Must ring LOUD and vibrate. It had to be loud, because I can never hear it. The vibrating feature was a must as the stupid thing was usually at the bottom of my purse. The vibrating allowed me to reach in and find it; or at least give me a shot at it. Bonus, I usually find loose change.

Matt bought the phone that had all my criteria as well as some features I had no idea what to do with. When we got it home, my daughter, Elyse, had a chance to look it over.

She exclaimed, “Mom, this is a camera phone! Now you don’t have to try to fish your camera out of that suitcase you call a purse!” I, of course, am thinking, oh, great, something with a lens. I wonder how fast it’ll take me to break this bad boy.

She played with it a while, then asked if I’d like to try to take a picture. She pointed to a button on the side and explained that all I have to do is point and shoot. I held the lens thingy to my eye, and told her I couldn’t see anything. “Is this thing on? Elyse, I can’t see anything!” I kept squinting through the little hole, but nothing.

My family was in stitches on the floor, but I couldn’t understand what was so darned funny. We just got this thing, and it was broken. Finally, they turned the phone around and explained that I was trying to see through the part that was taking the actual pictures. The “view finder” was the big screen on the other side.

The stupid phone also came equipped with “blue tooth” technology. If you, like me, have heard of it but have no idea what it does, it's a small device to stick in your ear, to both hear AND speak! I looked at it and thought, “Beam me up, Scotty." Then I laughed really hard and gave it to Boy.

Another feature on my new little gadget is the speaker phone. I had no clue until I hit the button by mistake, and suddenly everyone at the grocery store knew we were out of toilet paper. Of course, I didn’t know how to turn it off, so I just hung up (and got the toilet paper).

 Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending upon which way you look at it) the phone didn't last as the signal was too weak to be useful in our little town. Every time I had to use it, I'd have to locate a signal strong enough to call anyone, even if they were standing right next to me. That cup and string set up provided better reception.

Finding a signal proved to be entertaining – for others. I've held it up, turned in circles, run into trees, got on the hood of my car, and held it out in front of me, following it like a divining rod; all the while squinting to see if I got any stupid bars.

The last straw was when I was at the store and realized that I forgot the PIN number for the check card and had to call Matt to get it. While desperately hunting for a signal, I wasn't paying attention.

I tripped up (yes, I said up) a small stair, hurdled myself through the automatic sliding glass doors, sending a few shopping carts rolling into a Gatorade display stand.

That sent my purse flying, dumping out the contents so that God and all the world could see what time of the month it was and narrowly missed an elderly lady and her walker. The only thing that didn't get up close and personal with the floor was that blankety-blank phone!

 I went home mad enough to drown puppies, and told Matt that if we didn't get a new phone service provider, I was going to use the phone as a projectile object -- pointed at his head. We now have T-Mobile and Matt's cranium is intact.

 The downside was that I had to get an entirely different phone, and finding one that doesn't have a bunch of gadgets that I'd never in a million years know how to use took a bit of hunting.

Apparently, everyone is using "smart" phones, and giving me one would be as useful as giving a fish a bath. Let's just say I'm pretty careful about which buttons I push, for fear of accidentally interfering with the satellite transmission for the space shuttle launch.

 So, yes, I’m far behind when it comes to this new age of technology and sadly, I'm doomed to toil in utter ignorance. But on the bright side, most of my friends are in the same boat and we all take turns rowing.

And, if you’d like a laugh, give me a call on my cell. I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll hear something like, “Why can’t I hear anything? What did I just do? Is this thing on?”

You can keep up with Tamara Kells, The Brunette Lucy, on Facebook.